Let It Go! (J/K Don't Do That, That's Crazy!)

So I'm in my new classroom with Grace, the other TA, finishing paperwork at the end of the day and she says "Oh! We haven't played our songs! Let's play our songs!" She proceeds to pull out her phone and play Into the Unknown and it's at this moment I realize I have a problem; how hard do I go? I mean, anyone reading this blog knows damn well I know all the words to Into the Unknown but Grace doesn't realize that I'm an eight year old masquerading as an adult (though the Elsa backback, lunch box, and Taylor Swift pool towel should be a bit of a clue). Then she plays Let it Go and I'm in a full on panic! Just what the hell am I supposed to do here? If I were home, I'd sing every word with confidence, indulging in the moment, but I can't do that a work, in front of someone I've known for five minutes. Grace is singing along, blissfully unware of what it's like to question your every move cause you know that everyone thinks you're weird and awkward (all of which is true) and while you're generally fine with that, it might be good if you were more than a month in to your new job before they find out you're only somewhat saner than the students (all of whom have documented issues due to the nature of the school). Therein lies the issue with knowing your different and deciding when and how you let others know it. More often than not, I don't decide to let anyone know anything; I couldn't hide the fact that I'm more than somewhat offbeat if I tried (and yes, on occasion, I've tried). Like I said, I've learned to accept and even embrace this (still working on this part) but I still feel a certian (or perhaps uncertain) type of way when I see other women show up to work in pigtails or gush over Frozen, because when it's a one off it's fine (I'm guessing) but if it's actually who you are, well... The end result is a steady stream of should I's, how do I go about, are people going to snicker at this? (Probaby) and do I care (not enough not to do it) that I have to navigate; a never ending maelstrom of thoughts that are detracting from my every day life and doing the important work of supplying Carbon (my cat) with all the treats on earth (which, according to her, is my true reason for living and she couldn't care less what I'm singing while doing it). So, here I stand, and here I'll stay. Wondering (hoping?) if my peculiarities are more endearing than off putting, and not being sure that I care enough about the answer. Sigh. Let the storm rage on...

A Wise Woman Once Said...F This S%*$# and She Lived Happily Ever After?

I dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks...This cage was once just fine... A month or so ago things at work got more fustrating than usual; (and that's making a statement) and as a result I started looking elsewhere... I started at a new school (for a good deal more money) on July 7th. I'm very happy about this! Or I suppose I will be happy about it...eventually. Right now I'm too mired in anxiey and trepidation to truly celebrate what I logically know is a major win. I've been at Prufrock Preschool for four years and, the truth is, it gave me my life back. Four years ago I was in the midst of a storm and drowning. Prufrock was like an oasis; an island in the turbulent sea I didn't believe I could reach...and now I'm leaving that island to leap into the unknown, is that crazy? It's crazy, right?? My new job (more or less the same position) feels like a giant leap forward and hopefully has less nonsense (read, no bosees whose personality depends on what day it is or borderline racist lead teachers), so what's the problem? The problem is the whole thing feels like a fever dream. I joked with people on my last day at Prufrock that I hoped I didn't accidentally show up there on Monday; I was only half teasing. A big part of me feels like my alarm is going to go off any second and I'm going to wake up to the heartbreaking reality that none of the roller-coaster ride that I've been on for the past month or so was actually real. That I'm trapped at Prufrock and might be forever, exactly as I feared. Breaking out of Shawshank wasn't easy; I've spent the last month or so moving in the shadows Charlotte Dolbre style. I interviewed on my lunch (twice). Jumped through hoops in stealthy silence. (My second favorite little sister Emily was one of the very few along for the ride). Read correspondence surreptitously on my watch (Incurring the wrath of my boss when caught). All culminating in what felt like a mad dash towards sanity. Now, I wait. Wait for the feeling that I just blew my life up to dissipate. Wait to be as happy for myself as everyone else is for me (which I am on an intellectual level). Wait to stop being terrified of this next step so I can live my best life, Shawshank free!

Have fun or else!

Brunch! Movies! Party! Shopping! Dinner! More parties! Another brunch! Book club! Gotta be in it to win it! Or somthing. (Insert eye roll here). The point is I (and the rest of the world) seem to dedicate an inordinate amount of time to making absolutely sure we have fun when we're not working! (Probably because we spend far too much time at work). Which sometimes turns fun into...work. It's 4:30pm on a Saturday, I haven't done a damn thing and I'm ecstatic! But I also feel, somewhat...guilty? Because when I'm not doing something it feels...odd. From August of last year through January of this year my social calendar resembled the late Queen of England (seeing as I am a princess maybe I shouldn't complain but I'm going to do so anyway); trips, business meetings, parties, birthdays, Broadway shows (work was in there somewhere I suppose). I feel like I'm running a goddamn marathon (which is strictly against my policy) with no end in sight. Now, this is not to say that I'm not having fun. I am. Truly (very little scarcasam here but not zero). I love spending time with my family; I'm extremely fortunate to have them. And a plethora of friends to boot. It's incredible and amazing for someone who tends to feel like an afterthough in other people's lives. The thing is, I'm an ambivert, which means, whatever I'm doing, I want to be doing the opposite thing. Home without plans? How come nobody likes me? Meeting up at a club for drinks? Awesome! When are we leaving? Also, fun is expensive! Why in the hell does a simple dinner cost $96 dollars? Ice skating? $110. Not including food. A day at the mall? Get ready to drop $30 on food and $130 on stuff you didn't need. Ugh! But we all do it. We dedicate ourselves faithfully to having fun on the weekends. To spending that time off of the hampster wheel proving that we have actual lives. When sometimes all it feels like we're doing is recharging long enough to hop back on said hampster wheel to Go! Go! Go! Stop! Stop! Stop! Why are we going at such an insane pace? Oh yeah, because if we don't we might miss something, and we can't have that! "On an island that I own, tan and rested and ALONE..." Wise words from Disney (Eugene from Tangled). All I want is five minutes of QUIET! And also to make sure my time spent away from work is meaningful and fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!