Thursday, October 18, 2018

Come For the Drive By, Stay for the...Uniforms?

Scene: Two old G's on the 4 train. Reminissing about the good ole days when you could shoot a dude dead and the cops didn't know nothin. When you could roam the streets, takin shit. Ah, those were the days! Roll outta bed round 2, light up a blunt, rock that jacket cause you gotta represent, head out to own these streets...Wait, wait, wait, WHAT was that last part? "rock that jacket cause you gotta represent"? Am I to understand that hard core gangsters wore...uniforms??? So, shooting, killing, stealing, posing, all while looking like a team? No wonder these people are selling drugs, they've got membership dues to pay!

Actually, as I'm bringing you this (with all of the judgement and mocory it deserves) I have a bit of a confession to make; I, myself used to run with a pretty notorious gang. Like the gentlemen above, we too made an impact on society with our own sick abilities to avoid law enforcement and...nevermind, this is just plain dumb.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Today, on Public Eavesdropping

So I'm stomping through the city, seriously considering pushing people in front of cars for the capital offense of existing in the same space as me.

Spent the last 56 minutes and 33 seconds comtplating stabbing myself with my pen as a preferable alternative to the conversation I found myself trapped in with a survey participant.

Thanks to frontier Fanny, who is single-handedly going to save the our country (and the world at large, provided she can fit it in before the evening barn raising) by restoring corporeal punishment in schools (and wherever else necessary), closing all small businesses (because young people today are too lazy to work anyway) (what???), and giving Black Lives Matter a "strong talking to." (This I strongly encouraged because I would kill to see that), I didn't have a shot in hell of making the last 20 bus leaving me no alternative to calling my mother for a ride (which is more complicated than it sounds).

As I'm barreling towards Times Square I slowly become aware of an argument between an out of town couple. And, by argument, I mean a girl yelling at her boyfriend while he seemed not to notice.

Apparently, they are on vacation from Rhode Island and he has been "treating her like shit" (direct quote) all day. As if she wasn't explaining the situation clearly enough, the boyfriend, who you'll remember, had basically been ignoring her, decides to demonstrate the behavior for which he's being chastised by asking her why she's whining. He then proceeds to vanish, he walked away from her in Times Sq and disappeared from sight. Gone. Fucking poof!

At this point, the girl is so upset she seems to freeze where she stood. Myself and two other women who have apparantly also been eavesdropping, surround her and start to comfort her, making sure she knows exactly what we think of her boyfriend. She needed to get to the 4 train to get back to her hotel so I told her to follow me. The other women gave her sage advice; go back to the hotel, pack up, and go home. Leave him here just like he left you. Only, we don't want him here either; hey asshole, wherever you are, hit the road jack, and don't you come back no more, no more....


Friday, August 3, 2018

Back in the Day....(Which Was a Friday, as it Turns Out)

Once upon a time (bout a month ago), in a land far, far away (nobody cares, New Jersey) stands a mythical castle where mere peasants can indulge in the finest of royal libations (for the low rate of $17.99) and cheer on a knight sworn only to you (depending on whatever color you're randomly assigned for the evening) in a fight to the death (or, you know, to the time limit or whatever) while you partake in the best feast you've ever had (that day).

Of course, I'm talking about Medieval Times! For those days when you simply cannot go another nano-second without donning an upgraded Burger King crown and risking an allergy attack to travel back to a time when folks ate with their hands and watched people kill each other for the hell of it.

But please, please don't think I'm hating on Medieval Times. I'm not, and I never would. Why? This is the one place (other than San Francisco) I can dress like the princess I am (cape, tiara and all) and not have people (read: members of my family) laugh at me. Also, I can drink wine out of a gigantic blue chalice and be regarded as "festive". 

So carry on Medieval Times, Huzzzah Yellow Knight!

Also, This:

Leo Rising: I want a scepter. 
Sales girl: I don't know what that is.
Bryan Owens: Bitch, you work at Medieval Times!

Sunday, July 8, 2018

McDonald's, Pina Colladas, and the 4 Train.

It's Saturday afternoon and I'm leaving work. I'm in a bigger hurry to catch the 4 train than usual cause I have a pina collada in my bag and the image of me sipping it while I'm ignoring my fellow passengers is giving life right now.

This work week has been trying to say the least with canceled shifts, computer malfunctions, and Republicans in general. Also the Democrats...you know what? I hate them all (Disney Princesses should not become political analysis) but the piña colada made it all okay (well, almost). 

It wasn't the piña colada itself, I've been drinking them since I was old enough to reach the blender, it was the way in which said piña colada was acquired. Men in dark corners slipping dubious vials to questionable maidens before rushing off into the night...(my co-worker brought me a drink because I challenged him to). 

Anyway, point is, I'd had a hell of a week and a clandestine alcoholic beverage in my bag and all I had to do to exchange one for the other was grab a seat on the 4. The entire population of Iowa and Wisconsin stopping dead center in the sidewalk to take pictures of badly costumed characters, getting caught up in the bright lights of the big city, while I dodge them in pursuit of my drink. I am seconds from the Times Sq subway entrance when I feel it...the rumble in the pit of my stomach. 

It occurs to me that I haven't eaten all day, with the exception of half a donut and some coffee. I took the black tumbler out of my bag and inhaled, strong! This on an empty stomach probably wouldn't be the best idea. Ugh! Food! Now! Where? Where? Hot dog stand? The guy manning it has green gloves. Somehow I don't think it's a fashion statement. Where the hell am I gonna....MickeyDs. Why not. It's fast, it's food (sort of). 

I enter McDonald's which has apparently become pizza planet with none of the charm. Order kiosks, one dimensional characters, lighting that could land a 747, what did I used to love about this place again? A kid ran by pulling a cheap piece of plastic out of a happy meal box. Sigh. If only happiness still came out of a box. Oh wait, now it comes out of a bottle, or, more to the point, a black thermos. Now, on to the 4 train...

Monday, June 25, 2018

The Nerve of Some People's Parents!

The commute was a nightmare. From W.35th street to Bedford Park at a maddening pace. Then on to Whisky House, for my Aunt Colleen's retirement party....If only I could get out of the friggin Bronx! Seriously, it took 20 mins to get from Bedford Park to Woodlawn. Two stops. 20 mins. Also, I hadn't eaten all day so when I got there I wanted two things; food and a drink. Not necessarily in that order. No, wait. Exactly in that order. However, the first person I see when I walk through the door is my Aunt Brenda who exclaims "Happy birthday! You NEED a drink!" So, I got a drink and I was going to order food but my mother insisted that everyone was getting ready to leave so I was better off eating at home. Sound advice. After all, the festivities started at 4:30 and here it was 7 or so. So I sat there, took a few pictures, and waited to go home so I could eat. And sat. And sat. And sat. My aunt suggested I order food. Twice. But my mom kept insisting that we were leaving, and we did. I went home and ate boiled noodles w\garlic & butter (an awesome meal, don't get me wrong), assured that the party was over.

Well, it wasn't over. Apparently some people stayed. My sister. Some cousins. And my Aunt Brenda. They had fun. Lotsa fun. And alcohol. And FOOD. Good food. Wings and shit. I LOVE wings! Apparently they played jenga. They made a 32 block (or whatever) tower! 

So. Fun and games. Literally. And where was I? At home. Watching the news (because my mom won't turn it off).

Honestly, the nerve of some people's parents.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Sometimes You Just Gotta Thow A Mug...

Apparantly, she threw a tantrum. The girl on the bus. She was talking to...someone about how she and her sister took their dad's favorite mug (apparently he's had it forever) out to their back yard for an impromptu game of catch (In an attempt to relieve some pressure?).

How this idea materialized, I have no idea but points for creativity! I'm not sure anyone's ever played catch with a coffee mug... (Okay, in the interest of honesty, I've never played catch, period. Me and athletic ability have not been on speaking terms, ever).

I couldn't decide if this woman was batshit crazy, or brilliant because honestly, as much as maturity, logic, and rationality suggests otherwise....sometimes you just gotta throw a mug....

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Disney Heels....and Pat Shout-Outs


First of all....I'm Backkkkk! And you have Patrick Helmsley (who?) to thank. Pat Helmsey is this good looking (says my mom) firefighter who is married to sweet Sara Osorio (in the cousin crew) and, aparantly reads this blog! (Thus proving firefighters have a lot of time on their hands).

Anyway, what up Pat? Good looking out! Next time I set the church kitchen on fire (I wish I was joking) i'll expect you there!

Okay, now that that's out of the way, on to the real issues plaguing my life; Where do I get Mickey Mouse heels?? And, for that matter, Charlotte Olympia ice cream heels. 

Okay, I know where to get Charlotte Olympia heels:

https://www.neimanmarcus.com/Charlotte-Olympia-Ice-Cream-Cone-Heel-d-Orsay-Pump-Pastel/prod161990071/p.prod

But this still leaves me with an issue. Two, in fact. The first is the price. $450? On shoes? Uh... But I bought my sister Kylie Louboutins for Christmas so... The second is 7in heels. Or maybe 6. Whatever. Point is, no way in hell I can walk in those. I just figured out how to walk in regular heels without looking like a toddler playing dress-up (I hope). In those? Hahahahaha...no. Now Mickey Mouse heels on the other hand....

$165 on Etsy. (https://www.etsy.com/listing/579434849/mickey-mouse-ear-disney-multi-glitter?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=disney%20heels&ref=sr_gallery-2-19). I could do that...

Ugh, there is so much I could do with $165. Buy a shit load of Writing Rainbow supplies, I could throw a killer end of session with that kind of money! And then there's saving for a house, I really want to move by Jan, and fix my car (and finally get a driver's licence), and help my mom and, and, and....but I really want the Disney heels...