What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

Ever felt as if you've reached a transitional phase in your life? Being within inside voice distance of 37 I have been seriously thinking about what I would like to accomplish in the next 5-ish years. One of those things is deciding where to begin to put down roots; I've never been crazy about the idea of living in Yonkers, (or NY in general) but there are several factors that might require me to stick around such as business ventures. Not mine, my mom's.

My mother, a scenic painter by trade (she paints TV & movie sets), plans on opening an art themed event space and she's going to need a ton of help. Furthermore, my sister just bought a condo in the area and (as much as they drive me crazy), It's easier (for reasons I have neither the time nor the energy to go into) if we stay relatively close. Oh, and this needs to be figured out and in the works sooner rather than later. But, no pressure.

As if this wasn't enough there's another situation occupying more of my thoughts than I'd like to admit and his name is Graham. Graham is my supervisor at work. He's sarcastic, cocky, the kind of crazy intelligent that makes you want to smack him, and reckless on a level usually reserved for 17yr olds. Seriously, the man is frustrating on a level that boggles the mind and if I had any sense whatsoever I'd stay as far away from him as I can. Having said that...we've been dating for a month.

By this stage I've had a few boyfriends, hell I was married for six years, so this shouldn't feel so...new. Not new because it's a new person and a brand new relationship and we are still getting to know each other, but new because... that's just it, I have no idea. 

For the first time since my relationship with my ex-husband was in it's early stages I feel giddy. When I see him or picture him, I find myself smiling shyly. I read the same line six times while working on Writing Rainbow lesson plans before I realize that I'm thinking of him. I honest to God have no idea what's happening to me. More importantly, I don't know how I feel about it. 

All of this; the giddiness, the daydreaming, this indicates happiness, right? But what I feel most is confusion. I'm confused that I'm so enthralled so quickly (as I've said, it's only been a month). I'm worried that I could potentially be falling too fast, opening myself up to all sorts of crap that I'm too damn old to deal with.

I've been there; the drama, the nonsense, and I'm done with it. All of it. Why in God's name would I even want to risk it?

That hair though. And that smile...